This mess of a blog is driving me nuts. Or maybe just lack thereof, of a blog, is driving me nuts. I’m not sure it’s our recent move, or Theo’s newly spritely legs, or Evelyn’s apparent need to whine from the moment she wakes up, or the amount of crumbs on this carpet that I can never seem to fully clean up, or the rain of this city (I knew it rained moving here, just taking some getting used to), but I just can’t seem to get going these days. Not just on this blog, but on anything. I literally get to the end of my day and think, I wasn’t busy? Where did the time go? Maybe all my catching up on Mad Men these recent weeks has taken away from what should’ve been ‘work time,’ but I do love me some Don Draper and Joan Harris. I mean, I am busy with the kids. But it’s a deceiving busy. It’s a busy that allows me to be at home, not really doing anything, yet not able to actually do anything. That makes sense, right? But my point is, the moment you start doing something, something spills or someone poops or someone falls or he starts tugging at your shirt or she starts yelling in your ear for more popsicles.

The other day, I wasn’t doing anything. It was just us three, here in our little 5th floor apartment, and I got angry. I think it was the morning Theo got into my room (he’s obsessed with doors these day) and created a nice mural of dried flowers on the carpet. Evelyn was yammering on about something, and I said what I think a lot of moms think–that I was sick of not being able to have the time to do what I actually wanted to do. That I was sick of my life not being my life. I crumpled up in the hallway, and cried. I asked Evelyn to come give me a hug. She came right over, patted my head, put her head on mine, and said that it’ll be ok. She asked me what was wrong, then proceeded to ask, “Did you hit your head, mommy?” I then laughed, of course.

I feel like I’m failing in so many departments and I don’t know where to start to organize my life. I know I compare myself way too much to other moms and photographers and bloggers and just people in general. It’s such an unattractive quality, really. It makes me not like me. I just need to come to terms that I’m not good at certain things. I need to give up control. I need to ask for more help. I’m starting to think that maybe right now is supposed to be a time of stepping back for me, even if that means things are messy, and stay messy, for a little bit. A little bit never hurt anyone. Maybe this is a time of re-evaluating my strengths and weaknesses and goals and hopes and not to dive too hastily into anything. It’s in my nature to see a problem and then fix it with the first solution that comes my way. But that’s rash. Patience has never been a strength of mine, my kids are only pointing that out to me ever further these days.

So, I’m sorry this blog is not pretty to look at. It will be, one day. I might even have all my ducks in a row one day, and be productive and blog and shower and grocery shop and answer emails and exercise all in the same 24 hours. But you know what? I think that when that day comes, I’ll wish I had Theo’s chubby little cheeks pointed up with all his might towards me just begging to be cuddled. This is why I do this, this is why I write. It brings me back to earth. Sure, those days ahead that may be more about me and less about surviving definitely will have their perks. But it’s while I’m in these survival days that I need to remind myself that these days are numbered. Not only are they numbered, they are humbling. They keep me grounded. I don’t care how many posts I have to write to remind myself of this same truth. Apparently it’s a hard one to learn, because I feel like I’ve written this a million times. Yet, each time, I feel like I learn it a little bit better, and realize a little more fully what these days are about. It’s not about singing praises about how great my kids are or how great our day was. Our day could’ve sucked. I could’ve loathed every second I was awake, wishing I was asleep. It could’ve been a day spent trying to convince Evelyn that no, she’s not a baby, and yes she does need to wear big girl undies at some point in her life. These human poops are getting too gross to change…you get the point.

The point is not how great our life is because these days are just oh so wonderful. The point is simple, obvious, you already know it and thus so easily missed: try, amidst the chaos, exhaustion, frustration and discouragement of everyday life to love these little souls, be thankful for days with them, because they won’t be little for long.

Favorite picture of Theo.

Finally getting back to my blog! I wrote this post while Matt was gone last week, about our little adventure in Charleson Park, a quick 3 block walk from our building…

The days have been quietly slipping away as Matt has been gone since Tuesday now. We still have a large chunk of time before he gets back, but so far it’s not been so bad. We’ve been exploring the city a bit, but ironically so I’m already finding myself comfortable within “our” spots, stores and sidewalks. I don’t plan on it staying like this though, there is too much to see. I just laugh a little as I see myself fall into the patterns I’ve always fallen into: veering away from things that are different, new, scary. We truly are creatures of habit (at least I am!). At the same time I realize I need to give myself a little bit of time to just get acclimated. I think I’ve had a good amount of change the last few weeks…

I hate not blogging and recording more consistently when a lot is going on, there’s so much to remember and record—but that’s exactly why I haven’t, because a lot is going on! But as I have at least the next foreseeable moments ahead of me to just sit and think about the last two weeks or so, I’m sure it will come back…

One thing in particular I’ve been so impacted by is the friendliness of strangers. I’ve mentioned it before, but numerous times I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that people don’t mind just talking with me, even as they don’t know me. Every time they’ve been interested that I’m here only a few weeks, from the US with my family because of Matt’s signing. They are eager to help and point out local things I need to check out and do with the kids. It honestly and truly brightens my day, as recently I’ve not had much adult interaction other than gritting my teeth at the checkout person as the kids squirm to be free.

Which I feel like the kids are doing a lot of lately. I’m not sure if it’s the size of our apartment or our lack of toys as we left everything in MD, but they just seem couped up. I really don’t know why since we walk literally everywhere (except for Ikea where I have gone a bit crazy). Maybe it’s the adjustment for them too. Although they are kids, I’m sure they know things are different.

On a particularly long day this past Monday, after a particularly rainy weekend, as the kids were about to drive me insane, the skies stopped spitting on us and I knew I had to do something with them. So off we went to Charleson Park. Or I went in general direction of the park. I didn’t actually know where the entrance was. So I found myself with my double stroller, one kid strapped in and one roaming free as the traffic whizzed by us on 6^th Avenue. In hindsight, 7^th Avenue would’ve been a much better choice.

The steeply inclined dirt hill without a stroller would’ve been barely doable, but for some reason I decided to try it out anyways. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking, especially since I was in visible view of the road and people in their cars would clearly be able to witness my error in judgment by pushing my kid up a mountain while my two year old braved it on her own. So up we went…and about halfway there I knew I had made a really bad decision as the stroller started nosing back down. Evelyn had veered off to my left and was panicking as she attempted to scale some rocks. Luckily she pulled herself together and made it to the top unscathed. I on the other hand was still stuck. I refused to look down at the cars as I knew they were wondering what nut job would do such a thing.  Instead of fighting gravity, I went with her and hoped Theo would survive the bumpy ride down…jokes, jokes. I did, however, go with gravity and turn the stroller so that it was facing down the hill. I put it in the locked position, and got Theo out so I could just walk him up the rest of the way. I then faced the dilemma of leaving my 2 year old to watch my 9 month old so I could get the stroller. Luckily the stroller was not far, but still, we were at the top of a hill. I plopped Theo down, planted Evelyn next to him, and told her to squeeze him and DON’T LET HIM CRAWL AWAY FROM YOU. Knowing how she loves to be in control of her little brother, I knew she’d take this task very seriously. She didn’t disappoint as she proceeded to grab his neck in a headlock hold, that booger wasn’t getting away from her.

So, we made it out unscathed. We went on to discover a beautiful and large park complete with trees and trails that eventually led to the water and lots of open space to run around. There is even a great playground for Evelyn, and swings for Theo, which make him giggle. What’s best though, is the view. The view across the water is spectacular. Bridges and loads of sailboats in one direction with high rises in the background, and to another direction is BC Stadium with the mountains behind it. I think it’ll be best if I just show you. And, on our way out, we made sure to take the bridge on 7^th Ave. Hindsight’s a bitch sometimes, ain’t it? At least it made for a good story.

Enjoy…

She loves the elevator in our building. It’s like the highlight of her day to push the buttons and guess which door is going to open.

Ash Ave.

A fall in the mud. Didn’t stop her from playing, though.

Wasn’t expecting to see this.

Home.

Wrote this on Thursday, but it’s taken me until now to actually get it posted…will I ever be on top of things?

A week ago at this time I was agonizing over the decision of whether or not to pack up our lives in 6 bags and leave Friday morning at 7am, as opposed to staying back in MD while Matt did pre-season and buy myself a bit more time to get packed up. I went back and forth time and time again, but I’m so glad I made the decision to just get out here. That plane ride would’ve been tough alone (more like miserable), and I would’ve missed out on experiencing the city for the first time with Matt.

I am going through a range of emotions and feelings as we get situated. Although I’ve known about the possibility of this move for some time, it still seems surreal. I am going back and forth between being so excited about this new time and place in our lives, and then I take a look at my lists and get a little (ok a lot) overwhelmed. And then Evelyn came down with the flu yesterday, the gross throw up kind, so that adds extra laundry and takes away more sleep.

I feel like I’m riding a thin line with…how I relate all this. On the one hand, I really have no room to complain. Yea, we need internet and phones and I HATE that I left three quarters of my closet in MD. But there are inconveniences that come along with moving and changes and life in general, that’s true for everyone. I realize how lucky I am. I feel really blessed to be able to experience this with my husband and my kids. I’m so happy and proud of Matt and for bringing us here. I know it’s not everyday that you get an offer to play major league soccer. So I want to relay that. I want to share my anticipation and excitement and new experiences with whoever wants to share in them with me. But on the other hand, I don’t want to over do it. I don’t want to create an over glamorized idea of what I’m living. Or even worse, have it come across as if I’m trying to prove the point that my life is better than yours. I’m still just a mommy and a wifey at the end of the day, lucky enough to have this adventure. I may be a WAG, but as Matt puts it, I’m a definitely WAG on a budget ha!

Feel like I have much more to share and say and post, but for now I want to leave it at that. The plan is to get the mundane stuff taken care of (like grocery shopping, so my family can actually eat), and then get out there to start taking some pictures. I want to show this city off! I have lived in suburbia my whole life, but over the past year or two have been itching to live the city life. It’s been pretty fun (and convenient!) so far. It’s also fulfilling my secret alter ego inspired by Carrie Bradshaw, but that’s a whole new post.

Until next time…

carpe diem